Saturday, March 31, 2012
The Pope's hat could say stuff like, "For the record, I don't molest children anymore." or "I have had too much of Christ's blood." Or, "Virgin mother, huh? Ya we'll go with that." or "Jesus... I am your Father!" "I farted a few times, and the smell is collecting under this robe-dress." "This is my creepy face." "I've fallen and I can't get up."
I could just go on and on. If you can think of some good jokes to put on the Pope's silly tall hat, write them in a comment.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Sit there, crouch there on the tile floor, mocking me?
Why does my toilet
Make that sucking sound, like a jet engine trying to suck me in, encouraging me to stand before flushing, as if it deserves a standing ovation for accepting my deposit?
Why, can someone tell me why does my toilet
Let all these little bacteria guys hang out, lurk in the shadows beneath the rim, toilet loiterers flipping bacterium coins, smoking glowing cigarettes beneath dark bacterium hats, or chewing on toothpicks, little bacterium hoodlums, since we all know that bacteria have an oral fixation?
Why does my toilet
Spew water two feet into the air and all over the lip and wall and floor sometimes when I flush it?
Why does this toilet of mine
Live a solitary life in my bathroom, only receiving occasional visits from people who want to dump waste into it?
Why does my toilet
Not walk out on me?
Why does my toilet
Why does my toilet
Conspire against me?
And the most disturbing question...
What is my toilet doing
...When I am not around?
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
What is it that drives so many people mad about "the second half" of Bob Dylan's career? I guess I get it, he went from acoustic folk-ish music to playing electric instruments with a band, and wearing a tie... sold out, took the money and ran. Something like that? I don't like the later music as much either. Some of it appeals to me, but it's very different, and I preferred the "old" Dylan sound. BUT, I see so many people absolutely hate on him and reject it all because he changed.
My question to them is, didn't they understand "The Times They Are A-Changin'"? There was alot of truth in that song, and it is exactly what happened. Times changed, and Bobby went with it. He didn't want to be left behind. Those years were times for people to experiment with new things, do things nobody had done before. I guess he took his own advice.
I don't think it was that bad. What can I say? Haters gotta hate.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
So many times I set out some isolated night to find myself, something to make me happy, or feel like I am something special. But I'm not a master. I can't just find those things. I don't end up in those situations, I do not posess the right magnetism. I can't pick up any female I want, and never will. I don't have the right personality. I won't be the guy who can go to a social event and come home with a brand new $800,000,000 deal. I always look good, but I don't want to be messed with. I suited up once recently to go out and drink, and I was going to go home with a girlI know, but I ended up starting a brawl with a guy who was harassing a female, and i ended it by spartan kicking him in the chest and getting arrested by the cops. They just took me home though.
I'm not made for this social stuff. I want a livelihood. I want a career or a lifestyle that I can fall in love with. It's not marriage and family that I crave. It's not casual sex, or corporate rat race politics with money flowing like wine, seducing women of addictive habits with my cash. It's not warfare, being a hero of battle, showing off scars and going off on how much harder I had it than the next guy because I got blown up more. It's not a simple job of trading the ticking hours of my life for a measly pittance, so that I can come home an veg out as I eek my way turough life. It's not poverty, wealth, or the bastardized middle class that calls me. It's not service to my country or servitude to one of its agencies. I barely understand why I would want to serve the population of these undeserving people, to make their society better. I don't want fame, but I want the world to listen to what I have to say. I want to piss off the authorities, and throw the undeniable damning truth in their faces. Being responsible for the start of any kind of revolution would give me awesome pleasure.
I don't care if I'm martyred. I don't care if I am placed under arrest. "But Hazel, what about marriage, family? What about having money? Don't you need to score with all the hotties you possibly can, so that you can prove to the world what a big-dick badass you are? Isn't that the most important thing in life, to prove something to other people?" ...you may ask. But what's the point? I'm already totally awesome, and I know this. If they don't notice, it's to be expected from haters and those who are inferior to awesomeness. What's the use? All I want to care about is my purpose.
I observe the ladies at the bar. The hottest ones, for example, who do they go home with? Who are their boyfriends? Dudes in skinny jeans and weird shoes that don't know how to shave or get a haircut, wearing a stupid looking coat, looking scrawny and pathetic, while I work out and could beat his ass like a puppy, i'm clean cut wearing a suit, and smart as hell. And I have to pretend I'm somebody less than myself to pick up girls? I'm pretty much over it. I'm pretty much already superior to them, and therefore don't need to get the girl to win. Getting the girl is really just kind of a drag, because then eventually I will have to ditch her for cramping my style. I don't think they deserve me. I don't lie about myself any more. I have passions way bigger than some dame, and she can't compete, she's not enough of a mystery. So she thinks I'm weird, because my interests matter. So she bangs some guy whose biggest interest is who won the game last night. Even though I am better than him in bed? But she'll never know. He probably finishes before her, rolls over, turns on ESPN and falls asleep or kicks her out. If it was me, I would just keep going for the next 12 hours. There is no female out there for me.
Maybe it's because I have bigger and better things to do. I want to see something incredible. I want to solve mysteries, and have adventures. I want a life of danger and intrigue. And isn't that what we all want? I'm just too intelligent. Girls are not a mystery. They try to think they are that incredible, but they are just not.
I watched "This Means War" tonight. I don't mind ruining it for you because the ending sucked. The guy who deserved her got blown off, and the fake-ass dick was who she chose. Because the real guy didn't actually have sex with her. He was too much of a gentleman and had too much honor to break his word. Yet they went back to being best friends, knowing that one of them had no integrity. Women will ALWAYS pick the guy that gets them into bed first. No matter what they say, they don't want a nice guy, good guy, respectful guy that takes his time and is willing to wait. They want a guy who can talk or charm them out of their pants as quickly as possible. Mystery solved. And what do u know... she chose the one that banged her, the fake one, not the one who treated her with respect and deserved her. But it's ALL OK, because his baby mama took him back. Which is great, because she was such a great choice before and pretty much screwed him over the whole time. So it worked out. The good guy got screwed, and once again all is right with the universe. In reality, Reese Witherspoon would have chosen the lying, pretty boy, poser, fake-ass player, who it turned out had had sex with the nice guy's ex as well as any other girl he wanted to, and as for the baby-mama, instead of taking him back when she found out the truth about him, she would have gotten a restraining order and taken full custody of their son. That is the real ending. There is no longer any reason to give a damn about females. They are not worth any of my time or effort. May God grant me my dreams instead.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Dude, I totally just made it up, and himyomo is an acronym. If you Googled it, you are either very gullible, or have attention deficit issues, and should seek proffessional help.
Anyways, anyone who has seen the hit Tv show "How I Met Your Mother" knows what I'm talking about. Ted Mosby is the hero. He is a hopeless romantic, who is utterly obsessed with the idea of falling in love and marrying a girl and having a family and living happily ever after. If you watch enough of these attempts at dating the perfect woman, you will start to feel like he would make a great wife for some lucky girl. He does things like fall in love on his first date, or totally loose his identity to fit into a woman's life. He is a great guy, of course, and does alot of dating. But because of his high standards and expectations, he would often get in over his head, and be let down. This just comes with the territory. As soon as he went steady with a female, he would be already talking about marriage and love.
On the other end of the spectrum, there is Barney Stinson, an energetic, suit-wearing, pickup-artist, ladies-man daredevil. Barney is a functioning sexaholic, who's idea of a long relationship is waking up next to the girl he picked up the night before. Singleness is his lifeblood. But he prides himself on being "awesome." Any challenge (especially if it involves picking up women with "daddy issues") he accepts with vigor. His apartment is scientifically designed to discourage women from sticking around. For example, no food in the fridge, and an entire wall of categorized pornography films. Barney loved strip clubs and "legendary" adventures. The mere thought of a relationship is like prison bars to him, and he has no hope of being happy settling down with a woman in any sense of the term.
Of course There's the third extreme. Lilly and Marshall are a couple that dated since college, they were each others' "first," and they ended up getting married. It is a great relationship they have. They have pet names, and love calling each other by them. They are all over each other, and they support each other unconditionally. However, there is a problem. Marshall has dreams of becoming a great activist, working as a lawyer for an environmental company. He wants to help save the world. It's his dream. When he married Lilly, a preschool teacher, he inherits her terrible credit. She doesn't tell him that she is in debt up to her eyeballs because she has a shopping addiction, and uses credit. Well, due to her terrible money habits, Marshall finds himself pushed into a higher paying job with a huge firm that is responsible for the things that Marshall himself dreams of ending. So, because of his commitment to the love of his life, he has to give up his dreams, at least for a while. And working for those big corporations doesn't look good on him when he wants to work for the other guys, either.
So what am I getting at? It seems that commitment to romance, while being a steady source of sex, affection, acceptance, and companionship (in a rare good relationship which one in maybe 200,000 people experience), it is often called "settling down" because "settling" is what you end up doing. One has to accept less than their dreams because of their attachment to another person and the other person's dreams. The relationship is the star their life seems to orbit. It is both their identity. It is their lifeblood. If it fails or goes away, they are left with an empty life, and nothing to show for it (other than possibly kids, the only good reason to be married). More importantly they compromise their dreams.
In the HIMYOMO complex, the fourth option is Robin. She is like Ted, in that she has a romantic side, and is open to having a relationship, and one day being married. She is like Barney because she does not like commitment, especially not early on in a relationship. She likes to take her time, and remain free. Her career is her primary goal. She pursues it in spite of all else. Oh, she will date men, and try to see where it goes. She dated Ted, and they had something special. But he wanted to settle down, have a family, and move in behind a white picket fence... tomorrow. She dated Barney, and the two of them was working out well at first, they avoided fights, and didn't overwhelm each other with the thought of committment. But soon, they lulled into a rut, and stopped caring for themselves. They would fight ALL the time, Barney got fat, Robin looked horrible, and they were miserable together, because the relationship required no challenge, it had no future. So they broke up and went back to being awesome.
Let me put this in another context, one that is more ultimately crucial. I often ponder the life of Jesus Christ. It has come to my attention that Jesus' closest disciple was a woman named Mary. Who she was exactly, is not clear. Some say she was the former prostitute Mary of Magdala, or Magdalene. One passage says that he cast like seven demons out of her. I don't know exactly, but I do know from various sources, that she listened closely to his words, and understood them. Also, she was the first one, in ALL the gospels of the New Testament (which each tell a different version of the story, and contradict each other on most points), to see Jesus after his resurrection, or at least learn that he was alive. Because she was the only one with the courage to return to his tomb. So of course she was "the disciple that Jesus loved." Who wouldn't love the only one that really understands you and truly believes you? In some texts, she was blessed with revelations and dreams herself, that she would ask him to help her understand. Some of these texts say that he kissed her. The Da Vinci Code says they were married and had kids. I won't spend much time on this, because it is a work of fiction, and though it is a good one, and definitely raises questions and requires consideration, the fact remains that I don't personally feel a resonant sense of truth in it. It's true that there are some obscured issues in the Bible, and that there is more than meets the eye to these relationships between Jesus and his followers. But I feel that Jesus lived in a constant state of deja vu, and knew that his path led to a hard, painful end, but had such a greater purpose, that nothing must stand in his way. Also, I think that conventional relationships didn't exist in his lifestyle. I also think that he fell in love with Mary, and her with him. Do I think they had sex or were married? Quite possibly, but because of the nature of Jesus, and his culture, I will not venture a guess about that. I don't see that it matters. It was brought up to me by a friend, that if the Bible says that Jesus experienced all the feelings that is in the scope of a human to feel, who is to say he did not experience what it felt like to be a father, or to be married, or at least to be in love.. and even to give it up or loose it? Maybe this would explain more about the blood he sweated in that vineyard before his arrest? Well, either way, it appears he chose his purpose, his dream of fulfilling it... over his passion for a woman.
We see similar behavior with many sages, I think. Did Buddha take a wife? I don't think so, since he dedicated his life to a "higher" purpose. His desire was to be free from desire. It seems he accomplished it well, and lived a life of service and teaching. Here is a great link to a site that speaks about the Buddhist view of marriage and other related topics. The thing I would like my readers to take away from this is very serious. Do not be drawn in to unions that are beneath you, and do not let lower, temporary desires pull you away from your higher calling. I cannot tell you if it is right for you to be married, or when it is, nor can I tell you it is wrong to be married or have sex. I have made it clear that I feel it is in the best interests of fathers, mothers, and children for the two parents to be married, since this is a socially binding and protected union. It gives a structure and good foundation to raise a child. Remember the things you are passionate about and want to do in life, and don't let go of your dreams.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
My dearest readers, oh, beloved readers of mine... OOH, my dear bretheran. Let me approach you for a moment in solemn sincerity, not as a writer, nor a blogger. Nay, I am appealing to you today not as a brother or equal, or even a
fellow human being... but as something more ominous and narcisistic. Consider me the echo of a voice from beyond the grave, as it were, a wailing and gnashing of teeth; today I am your Ghost of Christmas Future, and you are my Scrooge... for today, oh my little children, I speak to you not as a man, but as a U.S. Marine.
YES! I know how it sounds. I can imagine your horrified gasps of horror, confusion, shock, horror, and even disgust. But this revelation must come my beloved worshipers. Some of you are youngsters or, even fairly oldsters, lacking direction and ambition in life. Maybe your father is pressuring you to "do something with your life" whatever that means, and he wants you to follow in his footsteps by selling yourself into indentured servitude to the U.S. Department of Defense for the next 20-40 years of your life.
Maybe your friends all moved on in life, or joined the military. They have left home to serve, fight, and die for this great nation... in boot camp. You are bored and lonely hanging out in your parent's basement. You realize you were a follower of the crowd with no real self-awareness or individual identity... and you want for that to continue. You long for that same pride of belonging that you can only earn by letting other people make your decisions and determine your personality for you. Or maybe your friends all got good jobs in the Army and Air force, and you want to show them up one and be seen as the tough guy, so you will join the Marine Corps. You will allow your body to be abused and destroyed and aged before it's time. You will apply for the 6th crappiest job on earth, get screwed, and end up with one of two jobs so crappy they didn't make the list. Your idea of "professional behavior will be yelling random sounds and such things as "kill babies" at you boss when he talks to you; running in your underwear with other men in matching underwear, in the dead of night while loudly chanting strange obscenities.
Mayhaps, oh my dear little brothers and sisters, you have a girlfriend. Whether you have dated for 4 months or 4 years, her new name will be Suzie Rottencrotch, and you will tremble in excitement as you tell her you will be enlisting. She will be so excited for you. She loves a man in uniform, she says. If only you knew just how much. However she will express certain concerns. But you will tell each other you are in love and it will be ok. Then you will go to boot camp and write her every day. You will recieve two letters from her, then not again for several weeks. Then you will get a letter from her. Your name will be spelled wrong, and she will melodramatically confess to you that she was soooo worried about you that she had to talk to your recruiter about what was going on, and he was there to comfort her. Long story short, for the past few weeks, instead of writing you, she has been banging your recruiter. And the other marines that work in the recruiting office. At the same time. And the Army staff sergeant next door when they were out. Now she is so overcome with guilt that she must say goodbye.
"Thank you for your continued interest.
Yours faithfully, Suzie R."
It's ok. It could be worse. Sometimes Suzie never even tells you she did anything like that while you were gone.
Fear not, young padewog. Eventually you will marry. She will be the most beautiful bride imagineable, hourglass figure, lips like flowerpetals... 2 years later, this amazing woman will have 3 kids, with another on the way (a feat in itself considering that none of the children are twins... they won't even be all the same color! What an amazing woman you will have married), and she will weigh in at a whopping 480 lbs, unable to leave the bedroom without the assistance of a crane. This and her supernatural abilities to suck your bank accounts dry no matter what will help her live up perfectly to her new title of "military dependant."
Just imagine all the things you will do that you never thought you would. Like become an alcoholic. Get chased by ladyboys in a third world country, or learn that prostitutes in the philippines cost less than $50 (usd) and decide to get three consecutively or at once. Maybe you will kill a family's livestock or pet goat in Afghanistan, or learn where the U.S. Governments true priorities lie, or loose your sight or legs. There are SOOO many possibilities in the Marine Corps. It will take all your time to explore them. Like all night "field days," exploring all the places trace amounts of dust can hide in your room. Maybe you can work your way up to Staff Non Commissioned Officer, at which point you will have the esteemed role of being on call at all times to do the bidding of simple-minded officers; working late, answering endless requests and filling out endless paperwork, and taking responsibiloty for every mistake or hiccup that anyone below you has made ever in history. Essentially by the time you have risen to the proud rank of Staff Sergeant, you have attained the covetted billet of "office para-bitch" or "assistant to the main office-bitch in charge of paperclips."
People will ask you if you will re-enlist, and you will say you don't know yet. You will be thinking about how much you hate your life. They will chuckle and wide-eyed, they will say, "If you're going to do four years, you might as well re-enlist, just to see if you really like it or not. And if you do 8 years, you might as well do twenty, and why stop there. Just another twenty years and you have full retirement benefits." You will nod and squint thoughtfully, thinking about what to eat for lunch and how to avoid your sergeant for the rest of the morning. The words that person spoke will seem logical to you, even though the real question is: why stay in longer than you must?!
To summarize, dear esteemed reader... there comes a time in a man's life when he must look to some group or organization to give him a solid hand of guidance. If that time comes for you, and it must be four letters, before you consider USMC, you should consider YMCA.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
1. Agent Dana Scully. (I'm simply in love with her. I want her to investigate me.)
2. Lindsay Lohan. (She's cute, and has the best coke.)
3. Madeline Albright. (Because wrinkles get me off, and anything is better than Hillary.)
4. Mariah Carey. (One word: "hips.")
5. Oprah. (Of course. Why not? What list of women would be complete without Oprah?)
6. Princess Leia. (I would chain her to me like Jaba and drool on her til I choke.)
7. Courtney Love. (Because then I would be Curt Cobain.)
8. Maralyn Monroe. (If I was alive in her day, I just wouldn't want to feel left out.)
9. Sigourney Weaver in Aliens. (Don't judge me!)
10. Laura Croft. (Partly for her outrageous but obviously fake body. Mostly for her money.)
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Greetings. Hazel the Newt here for another action-packed blog experience. Up til now I have done little more than instigate immigration controversy, bash California, expose the old world order of power banking emperialism, encourage personal and political freedom, and bash California. But I would now like to transition to something extremely serious, a subject that is belaboring much of our society today. That subject is: How can men smell good to women.
Let's face it guys. Women are like dogs. Their sense of smell is intense. To them, smell is like taste. They don't like the taste of something that smells bad, but if something smells good, they will eat it. So if you want a woman to swallow you whole, your smell must not repel.
First of all, most men think that cologne is the answer, and the smart ones know not to overdo it. I have gotten suggestions from females about cologne. One young mommy today told me that Armani Code is the best, and if I wear it, she will rape me. Other women swear by Adidas or Polo... I like Hugo and Stetson. The aforementioned milf said that Bod is even very good. Now, to me, Bod is a bit cheap. But here is an interesting note: She said that her attraction to the scent of Bod is due to an association she has between that smell and a special experience with an ex that made her happy. Here is the reason for that which explains alot. The perception of smell takes place in the same part of the brain that also processes memories and emotions. That explains why smells evoke the most emotional response. The synapses of those three things are highly intertwined. As we all know, females have a stronger sense of smell and they are more emotional, AND they remember EVERYTHING, if you know what I mean. So that part of their brain is far more active than it is for men. This should explain a few things.
Here's another thing.
I like a Playboy scent called Vegas. It is cheapish, for one, it's a subtle scent, and it is slightly citric. I always get compliments on it. Why? Citrus aparently augments good pheremones (as opposed to stale, oxidized sweat: bad pheremones) and makes females feel appealing. Notice how much citrus is in women's scents? You can actually a little grapefruit or other citrus juice in your scent strategy to make the ladies feel comfortable with you.
Moving on, do not overestimate cologne. If you are suiting up, put on a little cologne. If not, a good bodywash and/or scentless or good smelling deoderant may be enough. Don't underestimate the bodywash. As long as your chemistry and it's scent don't clash, and it stays strong for more than a few hours. The ultimately most noticeable and effective scenting substance is your shampoo. It doesn't take an expensive shampoo or alot of it to make you smell irresistable to women. Also, remember, hair traps in scents longer than anything else (other than possibly clothing). So all you smokers out there keep that in mind. Cigarette smoke contaminates your hair easily and for a long time, and cannot be covered up by any scent... that just makes it worse. And only other smokers will not notice it. So be aware of whether a certain female smokes or not. If she doesn't, she has to really like you to put up with you smoking.
Let me re-iterate the importance of good smelling hair, and the simplicity of achieving it. A five minute shower with Head and Shoulders will make you more awesome smelling to her than a concentration of the most expensive cologne. It will be much more subtle and less overpowering, thus increasing her desire to close the distance between you and stay close. Make sense? You want her to smell something intoxicating (not intoxicating like Johnny Walker, as is in my case sometimes), right as she brushes past you, not from accross the room.
All this being said, lastly, remember your breath. Pop a breath freshener just before you meet her, try to sneak some gum after eating, and share if you want, because it's one less reason for both of you not to get face to face, and brush your teeth often, flossing too. Old food rotting in your mouth is bad for your breath like outsourcing was bad for American car manufacturers. Keep that in mind. Also eating healthy, and avoiding things like onions, ramps, and some seafood is a good idea. Bathing regularly, and thoroughly is kind of like an hour hand on a clock... Essential. Lastly, any scent you try cologne, bodywash, deoderant, etc. should be evaluated by a female who is impartial before you rock it.
So scent up, stink down, and go get 'em tiger.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
I feel like we may have started off on the wrong foot over here. My last entry begins by saying i will probably offend you. That is not exactly how I meant it, though. Understand I am not a hater. I am actually very accepting of others. It is how I was brought up, I guess. Just ask my parents how often I would bring home an asian girl or a black girl or a hispanic girl. That's called diversity.
My point is, I love people who are different than me. Why? Because I'm intelligent. And different is usually interesting. So back to what I was saying yesterday... I don't want to bicker and argue and offend people just for the sake of doing it. I am learning to love the freedom that we Americans enjoy, nay, take for granted, daily. So I would love to spark controversey. I want to encourage people to exercise those rights. I want people to state their opinions, argue their views. Whether you agree with me or not, it is your right, nay, your responsibility, to present your views. this argument is necessary. Want to save America? Exercise your rights. Speak your mind. REASON!
Do not be deceived. The so called "New World Order" is trying to relieve you of your rights. But it is not new. It is the old world order. Oligarchy, tyranny. Power from the top of the pyramid. The all-seeing eye.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Ok, Hello, my name is Newt. I am probably going to offend multiple persons and groups. You know what? To those of you that are offended, I am glad. Why? Because this is America. We have freedom of speech and freedom of the press! Also, it is important to remember that when one is made aware of another perspective, one is then responsible for that knowledge.
I encourage everyone to speak their piece, disagree, argue... even fight (if it's worth the effort)... with me or anyone. It is your right as Americans.It is what has made America great. If by chance you are not an American, welcome to our way of life. For example:
I do not agree with illegal immigration, or the government awarding perks thereof. BUUUUUT... if I were living in a shitty place with no freedom, and by finding a way accross a border, I could guarantee myself and my family a better life... I WOULD DISREGARD ANY LAWS AND DO WHATEVER I HAD TO TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. So no blame here.
What the hell is up with California? Every band has a song about California. Two out of three of all movies take place in this state! So aparently everything happens in California.
I disagree. I feel that nothing truly consequential has happened here for decades. It is one big pathetic city, packed to overflowing with overly self-important lower life forms that we call Californians. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people who are more self-important than me!