Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Bedtime Story

This Is the Story of the Facebook Unpoke

Guadalupe Von Welgenshlecht Garcia was a scientist.  His brilliance knew no bounds.  His father was a Nazi physicist who had defected to the United States after World War II through Project Paperclip, and invented the dart board.  This contribution was sufficient to grant him and his family assylum, and Garcia was illegitimately conceived on the ship to the U.S. by his father and a hispanic waitress in the galley.  Guadalupe never knew his father, and always wondered why his perpetually single mother had given him a German middle name, but his scientific creativity could not be stifled.  It was like a baboon in a water-glass: unable to be contained.

By the time Guadalupe was 18, he had patented 22 products.  At a quarter of a century old, he was hired on by NASA to develop "re-entry velcro." It is a special type of velcro that can withstand the extreme heat of atmospheric re-entry.  They would use this to put designs and logos on the rockets and shuttles of the space mission.  Guadalupe became so smart, that he had to develop an artificial skull to house his ever-increasingly-sized brain, and also develop a procedure for skull-transplant, then perform it on himself, while under local anasthetic.  The very next day, he developed something called "general anesthesia."

One day, at the age of 29, Guadalupe was hard at work, testing the molecular bond of a brand new element called Oatmeal 17.  Suddenly, he realized he had been so busy discovering the innovations and technology of tomorrow, that he had never had sex.  Now THIS was a challenge for the great scientists expansive mind.  He had never considered the implications of this.  He quickly emptied his wall-sized chalkboard of the formula for Oatmeal 17 (committed to memory), as well as the designs for the most advanced microprocessor known to man (which he photographed and sold to Apple for stock options), and a grocery list which he did not remember.  For 36 hours straight, Guadalupe scrawled out formula after formula, breaking the human psyche into  three distinct affections: Male, Female, and something else which nobody ever really figured out what it was.  He developed a complex algorithm for every emotion, and reduced every possible interaction to a variable integer, then copiously integrated a logarithm for countless complex variable chance (bad place to meet, terrible weather, meeting at a wedding, wearing a bad outfit, untied shoes, having a mild stroke and developing a lisp, ketchup stains, deodorant aromas, attraction, being too attracted, being unatracted, cat ladies, horse ladies, etc.) and thusly came up with a complex equation which would theoretically get him laid.

I know you are all dying to know if it worked for him.   Since I don't want to give it away, all I'm going to say is no it didn't.

But after the equation was complete, Guadalupe went home and fell asleep for 24 hours.  He awoke to a knock at his door.  He stumbled over to it, and peered through the apartment peephole.  On the other side was a woman. From what he could tell, she was very attractive.  This woke him up enough to realize that the equation must already be working.
"One moment please," he said through the door as he started flitting about the room in a panic.  His mind was calculating at the speed of a chicken on meth (normally it was twice the speed of light, but Guadalupe had just woken up), and he was naked but for a thong, which is what he wore as underwear for no apparent reason.  As he was throwing on sweat-pants, for a value of x3 presentableness, and the green and blue striped robe for x2 sexiness, a spritz of cologne for +81 oportunity and squeezing a grapefruit behind the ear for x=P12 where x is the perceived appeal and P is pheremones, her fabulously female voice came through the door:
"It's your Landlady's daughter Venicia... I wanted to ask you something.  Can I come in?"
"Oh, yes, I'm just throwing on something presentable.  I was not expecting anyone..."
"Oh, I AM sorry if this is a bad time, I was just about to head out for the day, and I wanted to ask you...  Well, I wanted to talk to you before I left.  See, I just moved in with my mother a week ago, I was living in India, and I was--"
"AH!  India, how fabulous.  Was it wonderful?"
"Oh, well, yes, actually.  It was the best 4 years of my life so far..."  By this point, Guadalupe had prepared as much as he could, in his calculated hastiness, since she spoke slowly, in a sultry, velvety voice.  Then he opened the door, in the middle of her sentance, cutting her off, and her voice trailed off, and her eyes flashed over him.

Now women take much less time to "check out" someone then do men.  When men observe a member of the opposite sex, especially one that dilates the pupils, they tend to spend the time to scan their eyes from bottom to top, then think better of it, going back to the top to start again at THAT point, scan down to bottom, then the legs, in the same fashion, then realize that it would be best to start again and work more systematically.  Women, on the other hand, have adapted a quick approach.  They seem to take in the basic outline, shape and form all at once and somehow notice every out-of-place thread and every dimple and color and the entire body language style, and believe that by the data collected in this invisible once-over, that they can determine a man's entire upbringing, favorite sports team, penis size, wallet size and salary, whether he has ever ridden a horse, greatest fears, cat/dog person status, and how many women he has dated and/or slept with.  In short, women are absolutely out of their minds.
But here was Guadalupe Von Welgenschlecht Garcia, the scientific virtuoso, virgin, and sexual imbacile.  Staring into the hallway at the most beautiful girl he had ever met not wearing a lab coat.  He was speechless, and the only thing in his mind was the unconscious vision of corollaries exponentially deleting themselves from his memory banks.  And he instantly regretted putting on clothes, for there, in front of him, was the most shapely and intensely radiently ravishingly lyrically gorgeous female of the human species that he had ever noticed... And all the clothes that she had appeared to be wearing through the peephole (and he was sure she was wearing them then) were on the floor to her right.  While he had been dressing as fast as possible, she had been undressing even faster, and there was this angelic beauty, fully exposed, naked at Guadalupe's door.


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