The Newt: Bedtime Story

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Bedtime Story

This Is the Story of the Facebook Unpoke

Guadalupe Von Welgenshlecht Garcia was a scientist. His brilliance knew no bounds. His father was a Nazi physicist who had defected to the United States after World War II through Project Paperclip, and invented the dart board. This contribution was sufficient to grant him and his family assylum, and Garcia was illegitimately conceived on the ship to the U.S. by his father and a hispanic waitress in the galley. Guadalupe never knew his father, and always wondered why his perpetually single mother had given him a German middle name, but his scientific creativity could not be stifled. It was like a baboon in a water-glass: unable to be contained.

By the time Guadalupe was 18, he had patented 22 products. At a quarter of a century old, he was hired on by NASA to develop "re-entry velcro." It is a special type of velcro that can withstand the extreme heat of atmospheric re-entry. They would use this to put designs and logos on the rockets and shuttles of the space mission. Guadalupe became so smart, that he had to develop an artificial skull to house his ever-increasingly-sized brain, and also develop a procedure for skull-transplant, then perform it on himself, while under local anasthetic. The very next day, he developed something called "general anesthesia."

One day, at the age of 29, Guadalupe was hard at work, testing the molecular bond of a brand new element called Oatmeal 17. Suddenly, he realized he had been so busy discovering the innovations and technology of tomorrow, that he had never had sex. Now THIS was a challenge for the great scientists expansive mind. He had never considered the implications of this. He quickly emptied his wall-sized chalkboard of the formula for Oatmeal 17 (committed to memory), as well as the designs for the most advanced microprocessor known to man (which he photographed and sold to Apple for stock options), and a grocery list which he did not remember. For 36 hours straight, Guadalupe scrawled out formula after formula, breaking the human psyche into three distinct affections: Male, Female, and something else which nobody ever really figured out what it was. He developed a complex algorithm for every emotion, and reduced every possible interaction to a variable integer, then copiously integrated a logarithm for countless complex variable chance (bad place to meet, terrible weather, meeting at a wedding, wearing a bad outfit, untied shoes, having a mild stroke and developing a lisp, ketchup stains, deodorant aromas, attraction, being too attracted, being unatracted, cat ladies, horse ladies, etc.) and thusly came up with a complex equation which would theoretically get him laid.

I know you are all dying to know if it worked for him. Since I don't want to give it away, all I'm going to say is no it didn't.

But after the equation was complete, Guadalupe went home and fell asleep for 24 hours. He awoke to a knock at his door. He stumbled over to it, and peered through the apartment peephole. On the other side was a woman. From what he could tell, she was very attractive. This woke him up enough to realize that the equation must already be working.

"One moment please," he said through the door as he started flitting about the room in a panic. His mind was calculating at the speed of a chicken on meth (normally it was twice the speed of light, but Guadalupe had just woken up), and he was naked but for a thong, which is what he wore as underwear for no apparent reason. As he was throwing on sweat-pants, for a value of x3 presentableness, and the green and blue striped robe for x2 sexiness, a spritz of cologne for +81 oportunity and squeezing a grapefruit behind the ear for x=P12 where x is the perceived appeal and P is pheremones, her fabulously female voice came through the door:

"It's your Landlady's daughter Venicia... I wanted to ask you something. Can I come in?"

"Oh, yes, I'm just throwing on something presentable. I was not expecting anyone..."

"Oh, I AM sorry if this is a bad time, I was just about to head out for the day, and I wanted to ask you... Well, I wanted to talk to you before I left. See, I just moved in with my mother a week ago, I was living in India, and I was--"

"AH! India, how fabulous. Was it wonderful?"

"Oh, well, yes, actually. It was the best 4 years of my life so far..." By this point, Guadalupe had prepared as much as he could, in his calculated hastiness, since she spoke slowly, in a sultry, velvety voice. Then he opened the door, in the middle of her sentance, cutting her off, and her voice trailed off, and her eyes flashed over him.

Now women take much less time to "check out" someone then do men. When men observe a member of the opposite sex, especially one that dilates the pupils, they tend to spend the time to scan their eyes from bottom to top, then think better of it, going back to the top to start again at THAT point, scan down to bottom, then the legs, in the same fashion, then realize that it would be best to start again and work more systematically. Women, on the other hand, have adapted a quick approach. They seem to take in the basic outline, shape and form all at once and somehow notice every out-of-place thread and every dimple and color and the entire body language style, and believe that by the data collected in this invisible once-over, that they can determine a man's entire upbringing, favorite sports team, penis size, wallet size and salary, whether he has ever ridden a horse, greatest fears, cat/dog person status, and how many women he has dated and/or slept with. In short, women are absolutely out of their minds.

But here was Guadalupe Von Welgenschlecht Garcia, the scientific virtuoso, virgin, and sexual imbacile. Staring into the hallway at the most beautiful girl he had ever met not wearing a lab coat. He was speechless, and the only thing in his mind was the unconscious vision of corollaries exponentially deleting themselves from his memory banks. And he instantly regretted putting on clothes, for there, in front of him, was the most shapely and intensely radiently ravishingly lyrically gorgeous female of the human species that he had ever noticed... And all the clothes that she had appeared to be wearing through the peephole (and he was sure she was wearing them then) were on the floor to her right. While he had been dressing as fast as possible, she had been undressing even faster, and there was this angelic beauty, fully exposed, naked at Guadalupe's door.

TO BE CONTINUED

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Funny Ha Ha

What is the difference between the government and the Mafia? One of them is organized.

Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'? " asked the lawyer. Farmer Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!" Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road... "The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of th accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe this is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side." He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story: "The patrolman looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling?'"

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam. " She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean.. " she whispers, ".. I would do ANYTHING!! " He returns her gaze. "Anything?? " "Yes,.. Anything! " She says. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study?? "

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

Read This

ATTENTION:

This is a block of text in the side column.

Be advised, as the blog continues, and entries scroll to the bottom, replaced by new ones at the top, and fade into "older posts," this text will remain the same.

Do NOT shake your babies.

Play Angry Birds in Space.

Some African Americans are WHITE.

There is no consensus agreement about which is the best part of macaroni and cheese, the cheese sauce or the pasta.

Do NOT run over hot chicks you see along the road so you can be the last one to "hit that."

Feel free to eat healthy.

Do NOT believe the lie that the music on the top-40 station is actually the only music in existence to listen to.

Anything that requires peer pressure to get you to do it, is most likely a bad idea.

So is religion, because it falls under the same category. If you did not have several hundred or thousand people pressuring you to believe the same thing they do all the time, would you really buy into all that stuff just so you can drop cash in the can every week?

Be advised, religion and political power are basically the worst form of multi-level marketing. That's why they feel so similar.

Dogs need to pee and sometimes crap several times a day.

If you have a hermit crab, be sure it has a larger shell available to molt into. Otherwise, it will die while you are at Food Lion one day.

Foil hats do NOT really protect your thoughts from being read by extra-terrestrials.

You are all my children, and I love you all. Do not drink bleach or battery acid.

THAT IS ALL.

Pimp Daddy Culture

I was raised to believe that sex is only for married people. In other words, if you want to have sex with the object of your desire, you have to sign away your freedom and identity to them. Now that I'm older and more mature, with a more analytic mind, this sounds like a very expensive and horrible form of prostitution. I feel like sex is somewhat of a need for humans, since we were programmed a certain way, sexually, so we are meant to have sex. And we don't have an overwhelming instinct to be monogamous, either. Monogamy is only for certain animals, and for humans, it's really just a cultural norm or expectation. Therefore, in order to preserve the one God-given trait that humans DO have, freedom of will that is, I feel that people who respect themselves and each other will not get married. why? Because if they get married, they cannot decide at any time that they don't want to be anymore. They cannot be free to leave their companion's side to pursue larger interests. If they are confronted with a desire for something that is mutually exclusive of the contract they have made, and they truly want to make that decision, the other half has to say, "you must choose ME over yourself. I am more important than what you want to do." But we are talking about full grown, adult, free-willed, independent (hopefully) human beings. They don't NEED each other. They can live without that other person. And SEX is a bad reason to get married, and a worse reason to stay with someone. Or what if there is abuse or something? Any way you slice it, they have made the decision to screw themselves and each other over with this contract that is harder to undo than to initiate. Divorce is a nasty thing. So... I submit that marriage has no place in two ordinary independant people's lives. The only time two people SHOULD get married is when they are having a child. When a child is born, he or she is completely helpless, and utterly dependent on both it's mother and it's father. It would be selfish (the bad kind of selfish) for one of those people to disregard the needs of that child and take off for an easier life. If they are to have children, then they must marry and have a family, and stop being self-centered, for that is the purpose of marriage, to solidify and cement a family together, in order to effectively raise a child to adulthood the best way possible. Most people are either too selfish to make that decision, or lack the self-respect to resist the pressure of society to prematurely marry. I guess it matters more that everyone will think bad of them if they don't sell themselves for sex, then it does for them to respect themselves and only be committed to someone because they genuinely like that person and want their company, and only be married because they want to build a family with that person. Society is our pimp.